Care that Transforms Not Controls
Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own.
Proverbs 26:17
Did you know that meddling is listed along with murder in the Scriptures—as an action that will cause you to suffer as a result of your own wrongdoing (1 Peter 4:15)?
Yet, how many times in our communities do we hear of someone’s struggle through the grapevine…and send them a text out of curiosity and concern? We may even feel that is the right thing to do, and that it would be wrong not to do so.
How often do we feel frustration at someone in our life for not doing what we think they should do? We have invested ourselves into their plans, and we begin to take it personally and build resentment toward them.
Flipping the script—have you ever had someone try to “help” you, only to realize their involvement brought more chaos than comfort? Before you knew it, your life became their cause.
This is so easy to fall into. In the church, where compassion and service are part of the culture, it’s easy to step in with good intentions but end up taking on something that is not ours to do, know, or say.
True care, however, doesn’t control, spread, or rescue—it empowers.
Caring for one another is at the heart of what it means to be the church. We pray, serve, and show up for people walking through hardship. But even with the best intentions, when our care begins to control, fix, or rescue, we may keep others from growing in health, maturity and dependence on God (instead of us). Healthy care builds strength, ownership, and wisdom in the person we care for—not codependency or control.
Control is not Love
God created humans to be dependent on him for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3-11). He also created us to be interdependent on other humans for our growth, development, core needs — and to build diverse yet unified communities to cultivate continued interdependence (Ephesians 4:1-16).
The goal is not to be free of our need for God or others. But in contrast to healthy dependence, codependency is a sort of ingrown dependence where people in a relationship need each other to stay stuck or stunted in order to sustain their connection to one another. This is a form of controlling others, even in the name of loving them. This can look all sorts of ways, even (especially) in a church community where “helping” is a norm and a value.
When Our Care is Controlling
It’s easy to cross invisible lines in care.
Galatians 6:1–7 holds a beautiful tension: each person is responsible to carry their own load, and yet we are called to carry one another’s burdens. A load is the weight of daily responsibility as part of our created purpose as humans; a burden is the extra weight of suffering that must be shared and supported.
We may step into meddling when we try to manage someone’s load rather than empower them to practice wisdom, discernment, and faith. Or we may slip into enabling when we meet needs in ways that actually prevent growth and responsibility.
Sometimes we focus too much on outcomes—visible healing or change that we expect or desire—when what’s needed is simply faithful presence and shared suffering. Other times, pride or a misplaced sense of “knowing best” can sneak in, and even our speech—gossip, over-sharing, or harmful silence and secrecy—can harm trust and unity.
What Interdependent Care Looks Like
Healthy care isn’t about control or results—it’s about Christlike love. It honors dignity, invites participation, speaks what is true, and trusts that God is the ultimate Healer.
Here are a few guiding principles that help us care wisely and well:
Empower, Don’t Control
God invites participation, not coercion. True love honors another’s ability to make choices and take ownership of their life.
Serve, Don’t Fix
We’re called to walk alongside others, not rescue them. Serving honors another’s dignity; fixing depends on our own power.
Support Growth, Not Dependence
Meet needs in ways that build sustainability. Avoid doing for someone what they can do for themselves—it’s often an act of love to step back.
Discern Wisely
Not every struggle is because of sin. Sometimes what’s needed is patience and presence rather than correction. Healing isn’t always quick, and maturity often grows through endurance.
Practice Accountable Love
Accountability is not meddling. It’s loving to tell someone the truth—especially when that truth can protect them from harm or invite growth and change. Speaking truth in love also includes calling out the good we see in others, things they may not yet recognize in themselves. But accountability stops short of control. We cannot change another person; our role is to faithfully, gently, and courageously speak what is true and then trust God with the outcome.
Practice Wise Communication
Talk to people, not about them. Share information only as needed, remembering that confidentiality is about protecting dignity, not hiding or minimizing reality.
Respect Boundaries and Process
Don’t make plans or decisions for someone without their consent. Coordinate care with humility and clarity, always honoring their agency.
Act with Integrity
Let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no. Be clear about what the church can and cannot provide, and act in alignment with love and truth.
Find a Smaller Circle
Focus on how you can show love freely (without obligation or resentment) to the people right around you—instead finding other people to fix. Examine your own life and heart. What would interdependent relationships look like? What would deeper dependence on God look like as you entrust others to Him?
The Character of Christ in Care
Community care practiced with maturity reflects Jesus—truth wrapped in compassion, strength expressed through humility, and self-giving love instead of anxious reaction to suffering. The fruit of interdependent care is transformation instead of control, because it is rooted in love and not fear.
Meddling may feel like care, but it creates confusion and sustains immaturity. It becomes its own problem rather than resolving issues. When we choose love that empowers, we create space for people to grow into who God is forming them to be.
Scripture for Reflection:
Proverbs 26:17 • Matthew 5:33–37 • Galatians 6:1–10 • 1 Thessalonians 5:14–15 • James 5:7–12 • 1 Peter 4:15
Reflection Question:
Is there a time you’ve stepped into a situation that wasn’t yours to manage—or when someone else stepped too far into yours (Proverbs 26:17)? What might it look like to move toward clarity, release, and peace in that area?