Narcissism, Discernment & Church support

Helping Peer-Support Leaders See Clearly Without Labeling

“My spouse is a narcissist.”
“Our former pastor was a narcissist.”

The word narcissist is everywhere. This language now shows up in marriages, counseling offices, leadership meetings, and peer-support conversations. In our cultural moment, we’ve shifted from mental health self-diagnosis to other-diagnosis — especially when it comes to personality disorders. Few people identify themselves as having one. Many are confident identifying it in someone else. Here is the critical question for the church:

Is diagnosis the goal?

At Oaks Ministry Collaborative, we believe the church does not need more labels. It needs deeper discernment.

Jesus told His disciples to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). It is not our role to clinically diagnose others. It is our spiritual responsibility to cultivate discernment.

Diagnosis vs. Discernment

Not only is it not our role or training to do diagnose mental health disorders, including personality disorders or traits, it does not actually solve the problems we are called to address in the church.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) - 5, Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves a persistent pattern of grandiosity, entitlement, exploitative relationships, lack of empathy, envy, arrogance, and a need for excessive admiration. Here’s something uncomfortable but worthy of acknowledgment: many of us can recognize traces of these trait descriptions in ourselves at times.

Psychological diagnoses describe patterns — not total identities. Even when someone meets criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), that does not define their whole personhood. Many people may carry “narcissistic traits” without meeting full diagnostic criteria. Part of the nature of personality disorders is that they are solidified over time such that they become rigid — and harder to change. The key distinctions in NPD are persistence, rigidity, lack of insight, and repeated relational impairment. But “narcissistic traits” is a new way to describe immature behavior, selfishness, deceit, or the idiosyncrasies in people that we do not like. It can also be used to describe someone who is loud, impulsive, or lacks self-awareness. These are not automatically NPD - even if they are not condonable qualities.

Clinically, NPD is not only selfishness or an overactive ego. It involves exploitative, retaliatory, and intentionally manipulative and controlling behavior over time. And remember: manipulation is not obvious — it is hidden behind charm, devotion, promises. Otherwise it would not work. Manipulation and control operate in “the dark” — through specific targets who serve as a means to an end, isolating people within the community, and subtly pitting others against each other.

NPD presents as arrogant or defensive confidence; however, that is to hide the insecurity and shame underneath. Spiritually, narcissism reflect something deeper than insecurity. It is a rigid, protective false self — pride hardened into an operational structure. It resists the correction, vulnerability, and real change that spiritual growth requires. It is a lens that views people and opportunities as a means to an end for themselves, rather than the end being the love of God and neighbor, and themselves as a means toward that purpose.

But in the church, we are not called to diagnose personality structures. The Scriptures teach that we cannot know someone’s heart or motivations: “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). We are called to observe fruit (the results of specific behavior and speech) and respond accordingly — to the fruit.

I want to be clear: this does not mean we do not respond to narcissistic behavior in the church because we should not diagnose it. Instead, the Scriptures give ample language, description, and instruction for specific harmful fruit and “deeds of darkness” (Eph. 5:11) — even calling us to expose the deeds. But that is much different and more effective than labeling a person without remainder and exposing them on the basis of a label alone.

Not Everything Is Narcissism

One of the most important roles of discernment in peer-support ministry is avoiding over-labeling.

Many people are emotionally immature. They may be defensive, reactive, insecure, or struggle to receive feedback. But immaturity can grow. With discipleship, support, and correction, people can develop self-awareness and change. This is very important: our entire role in discipleship and support is to grow ourselves and others into maturity - or “completeness” in Christ.

He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me. Colossians 1:28-29

According this model and human nature — we should (and must) expect people to be immature, and assume that they can change. If we label people based on their immaturity as “symptoms” and assume they have a “disorder” — then what are we doing? We are assuming they can and will not change. What hope is there in discipleship and support if we do not hope in the transformation that comes from a life of repentance and faith? Have we forgotten that which Christ has saved us from, and is making new in us?

If we label immaturity or boldness as narcissism, we risk writing people off instead of helping them grow. On the other side, if everyone is a narcissist, we also dismiss real, entrenched patterns as “just personality” and risk missing serious harm.

This is why discernment is more important than diagnosis. And discernment requires patience and time — it is a process. Just like discipleship. Just like change.

What Peer-Support Leaders Can Do

Peer-support ministry is not about diagnosing disorders. It is about responding faithfully to fruit. In this process, leaders and volunteers can observe patterns, set consistent boundaries, refuse to enable partiality and entitlement, and ensure that authority is matched with accountability. They can name concrete behaviors rather than assign psychological labels. And, doing so will actually prevent and resolve the negative effects of NPD even if that is the issue. Responding to fruit — when done with humility, boldness, and courage — exposes darkness.

If someone lies, address the lie.
If someone gossips, confront the gossip.
If someone manipulates, limit their access to control.
If someone seeks control without accountability, restrict authority.

And do this not because they have a diagnosis, but because they do not have the maturity or character.

It also requires maturity and character to engage these issues and follow through. If the issues continue, and there is a pattern of unwillingness to change and choose to not harm others, follow the biblical process. Start small, include others, and then include leadership (Matthew 18). (And of course, if illegal action is happening, call the police).

A diagnosis does not solve a church community problem. Faithful application of Scripture does. A person may indeed meet criteria for NPD — but what ultimately matters in the church is whether their behavior aligns with biblical fruit and whether appropriate limits are in place.

Preventative Structure Is Loving

Healthy churches reduce harm through structure, not suspicion. Suspicion will be vague — labels, whispers, coalitions, hearsay. Instead, shared authority with real responsibility, accountability, and collaboration prevents closed loops of power. Transparent processes limit secrecy, manipulation, and control. Clear feedback and grievance pathways allow concerns to surface confidentially and specifically to the next level of care. Outside consultation can provide objectivity. And these systems need to be communicated and accessible to everyone at every level of the organization.

Structure protects both leaders and congregants. It exposes darkness more quickly and prevents power from consolidating unchecked.

Discernment is not anxiety — a reactive response to labels and claims. It is wise stewardship. And it is the spiritual eyes to see humans as they are: probably immature, capable of change and good character, and sometimes a wolf in sheep’s clothing hiding in the flock. None of this should surprise us, and yet, we should not grow callous or cynical of these realities.

The Spiritual Antidote: Humility

The antidote to narcissism is not hyper-vigilance of symptoms. It is humility. Philippians 2 shows us the opposite of narcissism. The Gospel confronts ego, frees us from self-protection, and resolves shame.

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Philippians 2:1-8

The question for every peer-support leader is not first, “Who is the narcissist?” but “What is the fruit?” In my life first. And then in yours.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

Discernment begins there.